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Sunday February 25, 2007
12:10 pm
San Miguel, Cozumel |
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(From Jan's personal journal...)
Left Isla Mujeres about 11:00 am
yesterday morning, in partly cloudy skies and fresh east
wind of 20-25 knots, making for some rolly conditions as we
headed south to Cozumel. The only casualty was a set screw
in the port aft corner of the bimini, making Ole go up on
the flybridge to jury-rig a tiedown during some pretty
decent rolls.
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We arrived in Cozumel just as the sun
was setting, and anchored in 15 feet of swimming-pool clear
water just off my favorite artisan store “Los Cinco Soles,”
and sat through the departure announcements of Spendor
of the Seas, anchored a couple of hundred yards off
our stern. We laughed, realizing that Ole had no
standby, no passenger duties, and no pager to go off in the
middle of the night.
The anchorage is unprotected, so
we gently rocked during the night, and more forcefully
during the morning, as the Crown Princess arrived to the
accompaniment of excursion boats zooming past us with
abandon.
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I’ve had a couple of revelations in the
past few days or so. I’m not feeling the “glee factor” that
I think I should, and I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating
my navel about it. Friday night in Isla Mujeres I finally
experienced and expressed that I’m actually anxious about
this trip – not relaxed like I was during our 2-week
adventure cruising the Okeechobee and the Keys the first
summer we had the boat.
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The anxiety manifested as irritation
and hurt – and I made it all Ole's fault.
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Factually speaking, I stood my watches
without incident during the crossing from the Keys. I
operated the radio just fine. I secured us for sea pretty
successfully. I even managed to cook during 6-8 foot seas
with accompanying rolls.
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But I slept on the couch Friday night,
and woke up yesterday morning in tears – not just little
ones – but actual sobbing. When Ole asked me what was
wrong, what came out my mouth was, “I’m exhausted from
conversations about fear – fear of running out of cruising
money; fear of not being in Belize on time; fear that I’m
not doing things right on the boat; not doing things right
with regard to household administration from afar, not doing
things right in my relationship. I’m tired of being afraid
and all I want is to experience some goddam joy!”
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During the crossing, I sat in the pilothouse reading (James
Michener’s Caribbean), and felt emotionally raw.
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Once we had arrived and dropped anchor, I just started
downloading, and discovered that I was putting a tremendous
amount of pressure on myself to know everything –now.
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I’ve taken boating, seamanship,
piloting and engine maintenance. I’ve become SCUBA
certified and earned my HAM radio license. My head is now
full of facts that don’t correspond with any of my actual –
not theoretical – experience, and I guess I feel that I’m
supposed to be instantly wise about the ways of this boat
and of the ocean.
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In our earlier pleasure cruises, I was
reassured that at the end of the day or at the end of the
week we would be “home.” “Home” was a slip up the New River.
Perhaps this cruise as different from others we have done
because we’re now “homeless” – the boat is home, with all of
its quirks and systems – and we’re not returning to anywhere
familiar for a long time.
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After I finished downloading about all of this, Ole chuckled
and suggested I might want to “slack off” on myself just a
bit, admitting that he, too, doesn’t know how to do stuff
and often pulls solutions out of his ass. That response
surprised me. Part of my anxiety was the thought that he
expected more of me than I was capable of – and the truth of
it is that I was expecting more of myself than I am
currently capable of. |
Who said, “A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing?”
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Perhaps glee and joy will come once I let go of any pretense
that I know what I’m doing and experience the learning as it
comes. Little kids grow up to earn PhD’s –they don’t get
them right out of kindergarten. |
